Last week I described a job seeker who’s currently employed and absolutely miserable. She blames her distress on her boss. She describes him as “arrogant, dismissive, rude, and insulting” and vows not to take it anymore. Her solution?

“I’m leaving. I have no idea what I’m going to do next but whatever it is, it can’t be worse than what I have here.”

Erin (not her real name) says she likes her work and is fairly compensated. She likes most of her colleagues and says the company makes a quality product.

She says that her boss, on rare occasions, compliments her, but that’s not enough to make up for his contentious behavior.

Erin’s not alone in her desire to leave a bad situation without knowing where a better situation might be. That’s why she  suggested that you sit in on our conversation and see if it sheds light on something you may be struggling with…

Erin, you’ve been very clear about the reasons you want to leave.  Do you have any uncertainties about your decision?

“Yes. I don’t want to leave my friends and a job that I understand and do well. A search, particularly at my age, is daunting, and something I’d rather not have to do. I just don’t see anyway around it.”

Have you told your boss how you feel about his behavior?

“Tell him? I’d be scared to death. I wouldn’t know what to say! And I don’t know how he’d respond if I did say something.”

What’s the worst that could happen if you told him?

“The worst thing? He might yell, but I’m used to that.”

Would he fire you?

“No, I don’t think so. Maybe the worst thing is that I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. That’s why I don’t say anything.”

Do you deserve better treatment than you’re getting?

“Absolutely!”

Then let’s role- play the conversation:

Erin: Boss, don’t get angry. I want to tell you something that you might not like and I don’t want you to not like me and yell at me.

Boss: What is it? I’m busy.

Erin: Never mind.

“Joyce, I can’t do this. I don’t know what to say or how to say it and that’s why I’ve never said anything before now. It’s easier for me to leave than to face him.”

Would you stay if he treated you with respect and consideration?

“Yes. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Then ask for it.

Erin: Boss, I need you to treat me with respect and consideration.

Boss: Don’t I treat you right? I tell you you’re doing a good job. What else do you want from me?

Erin: I want you to talk to me in a calm voice. I want you to explain things clearly without insulting or demeaning me.

Boss: I talk to everyone that way! I talk to my wife and kids that way!

Erin: I don’t want you to talk to me that way. I work hard. I deserve respect.

Boss: You’re right, you do. But I can’t promise that I won’t lose my temper. Will you get bent out of shape if I do?

Erin: If you persist in making rude and insulting comments, I will leave this company.

Boss: I want you to stay. I’ll work on my temper.

Joyce: Erin, you’ve made real progress. We both know you can’t predict what your boss will say or control his responses to you. You can control what you’ll say and the decisions you’ll make. Are you ready to have that conversation with your boss?

Erin: Yes. Now that I’m prepared, I’ll meet with him tomorrow. And whatever the outcome, I’ll be more self-respecting. That’s the piece I’ve been missing all along.