Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding. Doubt, worry, and anxiety can take over the best that’s within us. We vacillate, falter, and dither over basic decisions and necessary actions. We disappoint ourselves and those we care about most.
“What if I try and don’t succeed? They’ll know I’m a loser. I’d rather let others think I have potential than take a chance and fail.
I’m not happy with my job and I take out my frustrations on people at home and at work. I look around and see friends and co-workers with much less talent and intelligence than I have, getting promoted. I resent their success and know that the only difference between us is that they have courage to sell themselves and I don’t.”
As a career counselor I have the opportunity to work with a wide range of individuals whose needs and goals are as varied as the positions they hold and those they want to attain. The subtle difference between those who succeed and those who fall short exists in the gap between “I can” and “I can’t”.  Those on both sides of the emotional divide possess innate gifts. Those who manage to cross over have the confidence that comes from having survived earlier set- backs.
Many people who insist that they haven’t the courage to try have forgotten that they’ve been tested in other ways: some have passed tests of physical strength and human endurance; others have overcome mental and emotional challenges, destructive life styles, and abusive backgrounds. They’ve prevailed over circumstance and succeeded. Yet, when faced with the work place challenge of reaching for more, they step back from the edge and say, with one voice, “I can’t. I’m not ready.”
Parents, friends, co-workers and supervisors, no matter how they try, can’t motivate those who won’t motivate themselves.  They can, however, create environments that allow, and sometimes demand, pro-activity from those least apt to step up.
For example: It takes self- control for enablers to stop “doing for others” so that others can learn to do for themselves. It takes self -restraint for managers to stop insisting that their way is the only way, so that others can stretch and grow by making mistakes and learning from them. It takes self- discipline for supervisors who think fast and act faster to stop long enough to allow others time to learn by doing. It takes self-confidence for leaders with all the answers to ask the questions instead, and challenge others to think independently and creatively.
When we insist on doing the work of others we limit their potential. We create transparent, porous cocoons that are neither practical nor protective. We increase the vulnerability of those we seek to protect.
It takes courage to walk away from the shelters that well meaning others provide for us: Food, lodging, expense accounts, cars and insurance from parents who have an overarching need to protect their offspring from the vagaries of life. Inflated performance reviews, even salary increases from bosses who haven’t the fortitude or won’t take the time to give honest appraisals and plans for improvement.
Without realizing the consequences until too late, we needlessly encourage co-dependent relationships. We thoughtlessly protect others from the realities of hard work, earning ones way, and failing, because it’s part of living.  It takes will and strength and courage to face adverse conditions that are sometimes inexplicably set in our way. And to keep on, keeping on.
The solutions aren’t easy or pleasant. They require courage of conviction and a sense of purpose and proportion that the end goal will justify the means to get there. Either the grown child will have the courage to create his or her reality by letting go of what’s easy and available; or the parent and employer will cut the cord of safe harbor and accompanying comfort that continues to rescue the adult who’s in no danger in drowning. In the best of cases, the decisions are mutual and the methods consistent.
Of the clients that I see, almost all want one thing above all others: they want to believe that they have a purpose on this planet and can make a difference during the time that they’re here.