He’s a great supervisor and the nicest guy you can meet. But he’s got this problem with his emotions, and if he’s not careful, it might do him in. Here’s the deal: He’ll do anything for you. In fact, he does too much for you. He’s forgiving of errors, patient with absences, does the work of others when they don’t have time, and seems to have an unending supply of goodwill. Until, and it seems out of the blue, he’s reached his limit and he gets angry, really, deeply angry. His face gets red, his mouth contorts, and he calls you every name in the book, hurtful, mean, names. After a day or two of staying out of sight, he cools down, warms up, and is this great guy all over again. His employees don’t know how to react to him because he never says what he wants until he boils over with resentment that his needs weren’t met.
She’s lovely, kind and gracious, warm and caring, and above all, giving. There seems to be no bounds to her generous nature until suddenly, it’s over. In mid sentence her face crumples and she cries, she says, because she feels hurt, unappreciated, or marginalized and devalued. None of which can be true but she can’t be convinced otherwise. It’s gotten so bad we keep our distance, not wanting to accept her favors, her offers to help, her generosity, because we’re afraid that somehow she will feel hurt and will tell us we’re the cause of her pain.
There are well-intended, generous people out there who give of themselves and what they have without expectation of repayment or recognition for their largesse. Their humility is as notable as their generosity.
There are other well- intended, generous people out there who give without hesitation and, because they are as flawed as most of us, they do want something in return. They want their trust in the goodness of others to remain intact. They don’t want their goodwill taken advantage of and they don’t want to be played the fool. They don’t want to do the work of others if those others are manipulating them or the system that cut them some slack.
Whichever side of the ledger you find yourself – intended giver or appreciative receiver – clarify your expectations.
For example: If you offer to work overtime for a co-worker who has outside obligations that appear pressing and urgent, clarify what you expect in return. If ‘it’s nothing” you say, “no problem” you insist, than mean it and expect nothing in return. If however you do expect the favor returned, be clear about it. Honesty is a two-way street.
If you ask for help and get it, repay the favor. If your offer of repayment is rejected, with “it’s nothing, no problem”, look for other opportunities to make it right.
Goodwill lasts as long as the trust that motivated the offer and encouraged the exchange. Each party owes it to the other to be as worthy after the fact as each appeared to be before it happened.
