Respect, honesty, and loyalty are value- laden words that mean different things to different people for different reasons:
“My boss doesn’t respect me”, she said. “He’s hurtful, he makes me angry and I don’t want him anywhere near me.”
He doesn’t respect her. From what she said and how she said it I assumed he used foul language and called her demeaning and humiliating names. I asked her for some examples of what he had said or done that had been so offensive.
“He never listens! I try to share my perspectives with him and he’s already sharing his with me. I try to tell him how I think the work should be done and he’s telling me his version of what right ought to look like. He’s so disrespectful I just can’t stand it.”
He doesn’t respect her because she thinks he doesn’t listen to her. I get it. And what I get is different from what I thought she meant. Instead of dealing with harassment, a hostile work environment, and a trip to the local EEOC, she’s describing issues better addressed through assertiveness training for her and constructive feedback for him.
“My employee isn’t honest”, said this boss. Not honest? This sounds like a case of deception, maybe a little pilfering, password violations, or worse… this could involve breaking and entering; grand theft auto; we could have another Enron on our hands. Just to be on the safe side, I asked him to give me some examples of what he meant by “isn’t honest”.
“Like I said, he’s not honest. He thinks he’s doing a better job at work than he is. He’s deceiving himself if he thinks he’s going to get a promotion anytime soon.”
OK. I got ahead of myself. It’s not that the boss thinks his employee is a crook. He’s saying that his employee isn’t self- aware; that how he sees himself differs from how others see him, and that difference can keep him from advancing to the next level.
“It really bothers me that our employees aren’t loyal”, said the store manager. Aren’t loyal? They must be out for themselves; leaving to join the competition; sharing company secrets; going on line with pictures or stories better kept under wraps. Before I get carried away I better check out my presumptions; ask for a few examples of what she means when she says they ‘aren’t loyal’.
“Not loyal…” she says, with the tight lipped cadence of an exasperated mom to a forty year old who doesn’t get the concept of don’t- play-in- traffic, “means they don’t realize work isn’t done until it’s done. Our leadership demands that we show our loyalty everyday by working however many hours it takes to complete the mission; coming in early and staying into the night, if need be. We have no patience with people who (and here’s where she’s pointing her finger and slowing down to be absolutely understood) aren’t loyal enough to recognize that for most of us, making the company money affords us the right to enjoy a personal life, not the other way around.”
Oops. That’s not where I thought she was going. And it’s a good thing that I asked because when I’m in a rush, saying “got it” when I don’t, I end up confusing other people’s intentions with my definitions.
“But I assumed that’s what you meant”, is an excuse for taking a direction or making a decision based on our mistaken impressions. “What I thought you said” is a lame way of blaming someone else for obscuring a message that we didn’t take sufficient time to clarify.
