The caller wanted help with his job search. He said he had been at it for more than a year and couldn’t land anything that he wanted to accept. I asked him why he was looking for a job and all he could muster was why he was leaving one. I asked him what he does best and all he could tell me was what he does most. I asked him how he adds value and he told me what he wants to get paid.
He’s typical of job seekers who know that where they are or what they’re doing just doesn’t get it. They know themselves well enough to recognize burnout when they see it, when they live for another Saturday and can’t bear the thought of another Sunday. What they don’t know or can’t see is how to describe satisfaction, how to define ‘next’, how to map a route to something better.
Where do you begin when your focus has been on don’t, won’t, can’t, and why bother? Find a time in your life when ‘yes’ was your natural response, and will and can and ‘I’d love to do that’ comes immediately to mind.
On this particular day and with this particular caller the best times had been when he was in high school, playing clarinet in the school band and on occasion, when he was really lucky, in a dance band at a small family resort just south of town.
“I loved it all,” he said, “the music and the way people of all ages responded to it. That’s the only time I can remember feeling at one with who I was and what I did.” I asked if he continued with his music after high school. He said that he hadn’t; he had to work his way through college and between work and study he didn’t have time for music. I asked if he missed it.
“I missed it terribly”, he said. “More than I thought possible. I never really liked school but my parents believed in education. When I didn’t have music as a social release I stopped socializing. I couldn’t afford to go out, so I didn’t. I just worked and went to school.”
He said that he majored in Business Administration “because my advisors said it was a safe bet; narrow enough to land a job and broad enough to not get pigeon-holed. My parents said the goal was getting the degree, not having to like it.”
When I asked what he had chosen to do in his life that he enjoyed, that validated him and reflected his values he couldn’t come up with anything. He said that he didn’t know that was an option. He assumed that life was a series of events you survived by hard work and abstinence. “Abstinence from what?” I asked.
“To survive you have to live a life of doing more with less, self-discipline, self-restraint; not asking for or wanting more than life is apt to give you.”
I asked if given a second chance, what he would have done differently. He said that he would have majored in music education, taught in a high school, played in community orchestra and yes, if he were lucky enough, would have moonlighted on occasional weekends with a dance band. He said that it lifted his spirits just to talk about it. I asked if that were good enough. “No, it isn’t”, he said, with a certainty that surprised me. “Now that I remember what it felt like to do what I loved and be appreciated for it, I know what I want and what I need to do. Thanks”