Why do so many employers wring their hands and pull their hair when it comes to giving feedback? You’d think they’d have figured out how to do it with all the workshops and websites out there, promoting the 10 best ways to crate up cranky people and the five best ways to defend against fussy folk.
When you get down to it, employers aren’t worried about giving feedback; they’re worried about the reaction they get after they give it.
“I hate it when my boss calls me into the office and gives me his frosty ‘we gotta talk’ looks. I know something bad is going to happen, I just don’t know what. I get tense, my stomach knots up, and my brain runs a dozen different scenarios, each one ending with the words, ‘you’re fired.’ I wouldn’t mind it so much if my boss talked to me once in a while, but he doesn’t. The only time he calls me into his office is when he thinks I did something wrong.”
Reasonable people who sit on either side of the desk recognize that they don’t all see the same things in the same way; that people disagree from time to time; and that reasonable people, acting reasonably, can work through differences without breaking the ties that bind them.
Are you a “reasonable” person? If you’re like most of us, it depends. Most people are reasonable when they’ve been treated fairly, are listened to, their opinions valued, and they’re considered part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Many aren’t so reasonable when they believe they’re unfairly or summarily attacked, blamed, or labeled. When that happens they opt for fight or flight. They fight to tell their story, explain their situation, and balance the scales of justice. Or they flee, physically, intellectually, or emotionally because they’re convinced they’ll not get a fair hearing.
There’s an art to giving feedback and an art to receiving it. That art is created in the space between a triggering incident and your response to it. If you want to be someone who provides feedback with consideration and courage, are open to constructive feedback, and learn from experience, you will:
Take the time it takes for a mutually beneficial outcome. Request a meeting and provide a specific reason for calling it. Present your concern objectively, unemotionally and without judgment. Focus on the problem (you’re not there to fix the person). Ask open-ended questions and follow-on questions and listen to understand what’s being said. Clarify your understanding by restating or reframing.
When the employee confirms that, “yes, you get it”, find common areas of agreement and together create optional ways to solve the problem.
“Feedback is hard to give and harder to receive. I value my employees and want them to like me. That’s why it’s almost impossible for me to give good, honest feedback.”
The problem may be in defining what good, honest feedback is and what it isn’t.
Feedback can be positive and specific or constructive and specific (note emphasis on “positive”, “constructive” and “specific”). Negative feedback is person-focused and tears down instead of building up. Positive, constructive feedback is problem-focused and builds on ways to do it right. It should be ongoing and timely.
Constructive feedback involves the person receiving the feedback as well as the person giving it. Given your belief that each person has value and constructive feedback enables an individual to improve performance, you should be able to take that on and feel good about it.
“I’m not there yet! But I’ll definitely re-think my perspective, attitude, and style when it comes to giving and getting feedback. Do you have any other strategies or techniques I can use?”
