“I’m intimidating. I know it. I don’t like it. I’ve never known what to do about it. Believe me, I’ve tried. It’s my personality. My whole family’s like that. My mom’s direct and my father more so. My brothers and sisters are all competitive go-getters. We earned our stripes around the kitchen table. Every meal was a potluck of competing voices and spirited debates. We argued about everything you shouldn’t; from politics and religion, to obscure factoids and just plain nonsense. We loved it. No surprise that everyone who grew up in our house is candid, opinionated, and brutally honest. The problem we’ve all encountered is that no one seems to like our opinions as much as we do.”
The caller had been terminated from a job she enjoyed and thought she was doing well. Her boss had consistently rated her as “exceeding expectations” and “high achieving”. She recalled being told that her overbearing style was “difficult” but it didn’t seem to be a big deal. She assumed that achievement outweighed style; that despite her argumentative nature, she actually cared what people thought.
She remembered another occasion when her boss had taken her aside and asked that she hold back in meetings and let others take the lead; that her colleagues were less apt to talk after she stated her opinion. When that happened she thought it best to say less and keep a respectful distance. In her exit interview she was stunned to learn that her efforts at humility were interpreted as having “a demanding style and negative attitude that was punctuated by moodiness and thinly veiled hostility.”
She was frustrated, angry, hurt and confused.
“I don’t know how to fix this or if I can. I’m afraid to take another job for fear of it happening again. Do other people have this problem? What can I do about it?
You’re not the only one. You have more company than you might imagine. And yes, you can you keep it from happening again if, and that’s a big, heavy-lifting if, you’re willing to 1) search for employment opportunities in organizational cultures that reward your strengths and value your personality style; 2) seek on-going objective, constructive feedback and coaching from a limited number of trusted sources so you can understand when and why your behaviors net negative reactions; 3) learn alternative responses that net positive outcomes.
In the meantime, consider the following, reevaluate your past actions, and choose more effective ways to relate and react to others.
Communicators who are as forceful, direct, and uncompromising as you describe yourself, should work with employees equally comfortable with that combative style. Therefore, stay away from jobs that require you to be a team player or a team leader. That’s not you. Stay away from jobs that require you to develop and learn from others. That’s not you either. You want a job that gives you the right to always be right, a trait as unpleasant to employers and co-workers as it is to prospective customers, clients, and vendors.
You can change your behavior without changing your character. You can be honest, open, and direct and bring out the best in others if you focus on them instead of yourself. You can learn patience, develop empathy, and demonstrate compassion without compromising quality, performance, or outcomes. You can learn to give others time and space to make their points without challenging or ridiculing them. You can learn to question perspective, not judge it. You can learn to invite expansive thinking and not limit or diminish creative response.
You have the makings of a leader and the style of a bully. Develop the former, forgo the latter and you have great potential for career success.
